When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
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she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
Very good news from my accountant
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.