What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
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The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
My dating profile:
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
Me irl
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.