I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
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Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
My favorite female superhero
Harsh but fair
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.