If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
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I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.