my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
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At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet