This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
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A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
*Seductively hides in the woods
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread