I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
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Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
Growing out my freckles.
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?