This is painfully accurate 😅
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GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
Oh. My. God.
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
This might be the funniest tweet ever
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”