I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
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if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
I gave up going to work for lent.
Eccentric Millionaire: I鈥檝e invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I鈥檓 really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you鈥檙e back early
jeff bezos: moon鈥檚 unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon鈥檚 unionized
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn鈥檛 leave the couch.
If you stand in the rain, you鈥檒l grow quicker.
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don鈥檛 wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 馃巿
I鈥檝e been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it鈥檚 cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle鈥檚 broken wing.
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he鈥檚 just a poor boy from a poor family.
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that鈥檚 good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I鈥檓 panicking but bored about it.
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade