I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
You Might Also Like
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings