I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
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[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]