I’m not average. I’m mean.
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I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?