No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
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This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
when you order from DoorDastardly
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.