Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
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Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
Husband of the year 😂
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds