Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
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“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
How does one answer this?
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.