[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
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don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy