Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
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Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.