“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
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[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team