vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
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Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
Best seat on the street 😍
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
No Google it does not
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it