Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
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When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
there has never been a better use of this meme
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.