mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
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WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
spot the difference
become ungovernable
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
This guy gets it.
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.