[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
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I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
Nomnomnomnom
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
Am getting real tired of your crap…
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!