Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
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Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
Now, where’s the sport in that?
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.