I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
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What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
“I wouldn’t.”
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
This is hilarious….
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?