*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
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I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.