I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
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Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
step 6: release the wall snake
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.