[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
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This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
When they try to steal your moment.
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine