i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
You Might Also Like
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
Never mess with a drunken pig.
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.