I put the hot in psychotic.
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My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
Important reminders
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now