i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
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Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
(Electricians.)
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805