A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
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I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
just got my engagement photos
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
spicy snake
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.