My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
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my lower back watching me try to live my life
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.