COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
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We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
i wish i could marry a nap
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.