Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
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Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂