*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
You Might Also Like
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
This line from Airplane.
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
never forget
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.