BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
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Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.