Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
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ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
Beards are a privilege, not a right
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
Where is your GOD now????
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.