Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
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“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.