What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
You Might Also Like
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
Tier 3 meme
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey