My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
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If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more