pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
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Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
I bet birds love this building.
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid