Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
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CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
my sentiments exactly
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.