like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
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AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.