It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
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tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
…..pretty much.
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please