Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
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My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
Me, in DM rooms…
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
I mean…but I did
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
My Kid: what was your favorite part of the day?
Me: that moment at about 8:30 this morning when my second cup of coffee hit me, and I could understand what you kids were saying through all your screaming.
Kid: huh?
Me: I said, when we went to the park.
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.