I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
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Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse