I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
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i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
At an art museum and I thought this was art
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
I had no social life in high school. Even my imaginary best friend had a date for the prom.
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.