dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
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*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
The point of your 20s
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts