I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
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My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day