Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
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Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”